thoughts
drip
then trickle
then rush down
like a waterfall
become a flood
until you're drowning
submerged
held under by
the weight of them all
make it to the surface, but
you're gasping for air
and you can't
can't
can't breathe and 
you're not sure
you want to anymore
will it always be
a struggle
to survive?

feeling the same way all over again.

The truth resounds and in my mind I recognize it's true
but my heart is heavy and remains unmoved by you.
I want to feel the joy that I once knew.
God, take this heart of stone and give me one that's new.
The light has left my eyes, but I think that they can see
Lately my whole life has been about nothing but me.
I know you died that I would be set free
Somehow I've settled for just letting things be.

(found this poem in my old journal...and it seems about right at the moment)

not there yet.

Sometimes even in our desire to serve and follow God, we lose sight of Him.

The first time I went to Haiti, I felt something stirring in my heart. Something was different about this place, about these people. As I returned to Haiti, each trip provided further confirmation that God was calling me to serve Him there.

So I started making plans. I thought that I knew how it would best work out. I would start this organization, build a school, and, according to me, already be living there beginning last month. I heard one word from God, and without waiting to listen for more, I took off running. If you know me, this is not shocking.

And then doors started closing in my face and plans fell through. My heart sank as things didn't happen at the pace and in the manner I wanted. My last trip to Haiti was not at all what I'd expected it to be. But God is not the least bit surprised by the way things are unfolding.

Want to know some really difficult words to hear from the Lord? "You're not ready." In the last month, that may be the only solid thing I've heard God speak to me. And, well, it's pretty humbling.

I have been spending the last few months trying to reconcile two seemingly conflicting desires in my heart. One part of me longs to drop everything here and move to Haiti - NOW. The other part of me has been unable to forget about the time a year ago when I was taking classes in order to go to nursing school. Nursing school is a big financial commitment, regardless of where I choose to go. It is also a large chunk of time - 3 years - during which school will be my primary focus, and I won't be free to travel to Haiti whenever there's an opportunity. I thought that in choosing nursing school, I would be turning my back on serving in Haiti.

But I couldn't get nursing school out of my mind. My desire to understand injury and illness in order to know how to facilitate healing grew even more during the five months I worked in the office of a medical clinic in Jackson. So I took a step of faith and began looking at and applying to schools in Mississippi. And in the same way the doors closed for me to move to Haiti this summer, the doors began flinging wide open for nursing school.

This is where I find myself. Preparing to go to college (again) and really excited about it. Humbled by the realization that God has a lot of work to do on my heart before I can live and minister in Haiti. Ready to see Him use these next three years in ways that I can't even comprehend or imagine. And honestly desiring, for the first time in maybe my entire life, to allow Him to have control of things. I mean, really, truly have control.

So much of my struggle in all of this stems from a deep-rooted pride, a lifelong attempt to be self-sufficient. Yet I was not created to be independent, but to depend on my Savior in all things. I serve a God who constantly whispers to me, "Oh, dear one, remember this: my grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in your weakness." And I long to echo Paul in saying, "Yes, Lord! Therefore I will boast all the more about my weakness, because when I am weak, YOU are strong."

Oh, but I'm not there yet.

writer's block

Blank page, blank slate.

Try to tell myself that

empty can be good if you let it

Fill

with something real.

Not mere

vowels and consonants

hung together by accentuation and punctuation

and pause

Forming complete thoughts

which are

completely and utterly separate

from who you are.

No.

I will delve into this

void until I uncover

meaning.

'Til from the darkness

bursts glorious

light, gleaming.

Oh, black hole you

will not swallow me whole.

You may take my body but you

can never have my soul.

on earth as it is in heaven.

Here I sit on my cot, in a little house made of plywood and screens, listening to the Madames sing praise songs in the room adjacent to mine. The only light I now have is the light of this computer screen. Tonight is my fifth night at OLTCH, and I love it here. I have fallen in love with the kids, especially the little boys, who constantly hunt me down to inform me it's time for me to read to them, and who line up at night for kisses and hugs. Oh, they are so precious. It makes me shudder to think of where they were before they came here. It makes me shudder to think of all the kids out there who still live such nightmares everyday.

Today we went to eat in town with three other ladies, one of whom works in the area, the two other ladies her visitors. She shared with us how she'd gone to the Haitian police to report the director of an orphanage in town who was raping the children there, and how enraged she'd been when they did nothing. My heart sunk, and I felt naseous - and still do, writing about it. That someone who was entrusted these precious lives was abusing his power in such a sick way, while those who were capable of putting an end to it stood by apathetically. What do you do in the face of such darkness and injustice? The mere thought of it makes me feel so completely helpless. The only thing I know is...pray.

Let your kingdom come, let your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

Oh, Jesus, you are the only one who brings restoration to all the brokenness. Let your kingdom come! We need you now, Jesus. Haiti needs you now.

You have given me a vision, and I find myself having to fight to protect it - already. I want to say that I resolve not to let anything stand between me and the vision you've laid on my heart...but oh, I cannot even say this with certainty. I know myself, and I know better than anyone my own fickleness, my own pride, my own shortcomings. But now I see something different happening in me that I can't explain. There's a passion driving me that cannot be contained.

I will fight to protect this vision you've given...and I will do whatever it takes to see it through.

because of who you are.

Have you ever been in a situation that caused you to take a step back and evaluate the relationships in your life? Maybe you realized that the people you thought were your true friends only hung around when it was beneficial for them...or that a person you love and would do anything for, only loves you because of just that - you'd do anything for him or her? Or maybe you've experienced exactly the opposite, and have come to realize that your motives in a relationship are completely selfish and your love for that person superficial.

Today I was mulling over this. This is a huge fear I have: the fear that the people I am closest to love me, not for who I am, but for what I do for them. What a painful experience to find this true of someone that you deeply love - to the core, unconditional, cross-sea-and-land, I-would-take-a-bullet-for-you love.

And, oh, what pain we cause our Father, when we focus on the gifts instead of the gift Giver. When we love the creation more than the Creator. When we love Him, not for who He is, but for what He does for us.

God, you are so lovely, and so deserving of all my love - simply because of who you are.

He moves...and we follow.

My trip to Haiti was, in one word, incredible. The group from Ole Miss was wonderful, and I loved getting to know them. During the week, I had the opportunity to spend valuable time in Anse-e-Pitre building relationships with the kids and their families, learning a tad more of Creole, and receiving clarity about my next steps there.

I met with the Haitian pastors to talk about the needs in their village. They shared with me that there were many children who were unable to pay to go to school. The church was running a school for a time, but due to lack of funding could no longer pay the teachers, so they had to temporarily shut it down. Our dream: to reopen the school in September, and to find sponsors for each of these precious kids so that they can attend. Sponsorship will cover the child's tuition (to pay the teachers), school uniform, books, and all supplies, as well as one meal per school day.

I never imagined any of this. But He moves, and we follow gladly, content to do whatever it takes just to be with Him.

The vision I had about starting a non-profit to do long-term work in Haiti has now become absolutely necessary, in order to receive funds to channel towards this project. I have no idea how all of this is supposed to work, honestly - but I do know that God has provided everything up until now, and I am confident He will continue to do so. Praying for His wisdom and direction, and dreaming big dreams for the future of these children in Anse-e-Pitre....

miraculous provision.

God is so good, I can't even describe it.

I bet sometimes He watches me and chuckles, as I scurry around trying to sell everything I own, take on a million babysitting jobs, and sell my plasma (yeah...they won't take it anymore...cause I've been to Haiti. So there you go.)

He was smiling all along. Because He knew that He was about to provide immeasurably more than all I could've asked or imagined.

This trip is completely paid for. So are all my expenses for January-March when I go. Every last penny. Pretty incredible, right? God just did that all on His own. My efforts always fall short, and His work is always so much more beautiful than mine. Thank you, Jesus, that with You there is always enough.

Confirmation. I took a step of faith and bought my plane ticket, not knowing where the rest of the money would come from. And He sent it all, and then some.

Guess what guys?? I'm going to Haiti!!!! (maybe for forever!!)

saying yes.

Six more days 'til I am in Haiti again. My heart is so full of joy, I cannot even explain it. I can't wait to see their little faces, and give them the things I brought, and sing the only song I know in Creole over and over, and hug and hold and kiss every last one of them. And to think the love I have for the children of Anse-e-Pitre is only a tiny fraction of the love my Savior has for me...what a wonderful God we serve!

Sometimes I wonder how He can ever use me. He knows the deepest, darkest parts of my heart better than I do. He sees all of me. Yet He still allows me to be part of His work - it blows my mind! I just finished reading a book called Kisses From Katie. This girl's story is amazing and her entire adventure happened because she said yes. She said yes to God's plan, she said yes to living in a hard country, she said yes to loving every person she comes in contact with. She simply said yes, and God is using her.

I want to say yes to every single thing He asks of me.

P.S. - Read Katie's blog and check out Amazima Ministries online! You will be encouraged and challenged!

my thoughts on politics.

It's possible that no one will ever read this, and I'm okay with that. I just have to get all these thoughts out of my head. Every election I feel these things, and it's time I put them into words.

I truly dislike politics. I know a lot of Christians who would try to shame me for my apathy and uninvolvement, but as much as I attempt to muster up some enthusiasm for the candidates and issues, I cannot. People tell me it's my God-given duty to use the freedom I have in this great country and take a stand for the Lord - via the ballot, of course. But I will not.

It's not that I am politically uninformed or ignorant. I researched Amendment 26 as much as, if not a great deal more than, most people who voted today. I read articles and watched videos from both sides. I'm intelligent enough to take that information and discern what is true and what is not.

It's not that I have no opinion, either. I do, and I'll happily share it with you over a cup of coffee, in person, face to face - although I must admit, there are plenty of other things I'd rather talk to you about, like God's word, or Haiti, or downtown Jackson, or poetry. But when I speak my mind (on any issue), I want there to be no mistaking why I believe what I do. I want there to be zero room for anyone to take my words and change their intention. I want you to understand my heart.

That's the problem with politics. Politics isn't about the heart. It's about writing things down in black ink on white paper, for all the world to read and debate and dissect and amend and interpret. But it doesn't matter how many "victories" Christians in politics may have, they will never be able to change hearts.

All throughout God's word, we read about God's love of justice. We serve a just God. He has a heart full of compassion for the hopeless and helpless, for those who cannot speak or stand up for themselves - the oppressed, the widow, the orphan, the fatherless. We as Christians are called to be part of God's redemptive work by advocating on their behalf.

For this reason, it would be foolish to say that Christ-followers shouldn't be involved in politics, ever. God can certainly use Christians in the realm of politics to accomplish things for His kingdom. To me, however, it's just so delicate. We must speak truth in love, we must be careful not to let political issues divide us, we must constantly and very consciously strive to seek His will in all things and not lean on our own understanding.

Above all, we must recognize that no amount of good legislation or godly leadership can change the real issues. The real issues stem from hearts that need Jesus. Let us speak as passionately about the day of His return as we do about election day. Let us not lift up the names of candidates, but the name of our King, Jesus. In Him we trust, right?

"His dominion is an everlasting dominion that will not pass away, and his kingdom is one that will never be destroyed." - Daniel 7:14

no turning back.

From this point forward, there's no turning back.

When God speaks to us, when He gives us a vision, we have two choices: listen and obey, or ignore it and walk away.

God broke my heart for the children of Anse-a-Pitre, Haiti, and the choice for me is crystal clear. I will follow Him there.

I have hesitated to share my heart for Haiti with many people, because I was afraid of their response. I was afraid they'd tell me I'm crazy. That what I want to do is impossible. That it will never work, what with the American economy the way it is, people couldn't support something like this even if they wanted to. That I should just stay here, do something easier - because Haiti is a hot, dangerous, underdeveloped country with none of the comforts I am used to here. That I don't have the skills or experience needed to run a children's home. And on and on and on.

I cannot say I am not afraid - I am terrified. While my heart longs to see this vision become a reality, at times the doubts are overwhelming. But they all stem from insecurities I have about myself. When, oh when, will I truly learn that it is not about me? If I were trying to move to Haiti and start a children's home in my own power, with my own resources, by my own wisdom, through my own strength - well, I hope that someone would try to stop me. But I am so thankful that my limitations do not limit our God in the slightest. I will cling to His promises and trust in His grace to provide everything I need to do His work so that the people of Haiti can know His love for them!! May His name be lifted high!!

"But he said to me,“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror, and seen the person you truly are, deep down inside?

i did. and it's pretty scary.

God, help me.

letting go.

sometimes the only thing left to do is just move on. this is hard to do, when we're talking about relationships that once were a significant part of your life.

i have been remembering lately that very few people will stay in my life for always. most are just for a season. this is difficult for me to understand, and even more challenging to accept.

i need to open my hands a bit more. let things be given and taken as they will, and quit clinging so tightly when it's their time to go. i can't fight for them all. and at times it's braver to say goodbye.

help me be brave right now.

te amo de pablo neruda

Te amo,

te amo de una manera inexplicable,

de una forma inconfesable,

de un modo contradictorio.

Te amo

con mis estados de ánimo que son muchos,

y cambian de humor continuamente.

por lo que ya sabes,

el tiempo, la vida, la muerte.

Te amo...

con el mundo que no entiende,

con la gente que no comprende,

con la ambivalencia de mi alma,

con la incoherencia de mis actos,

con la fatalidad del destino,

con la conspiración del deseo,

con la ambigüedad de los hechos.

Aún cuando te digo que no te amo, te amo,

hasta cuando te engaño, no te engaño,

en el fondo, llevo a cabo un plan,

para amarte mejor.

Te amo...

sin reflexionar, inconscientemente,

irresponsablemente, espontáneamente,

involuntariamente, por instinto,

por impulso, irracionalmente.

En efecto no tengo argumentos lógicos,

ni siquiera improvisados

para fundamentar este amor que siento por ti,

que surgió misteriosamente de la nada,

que no ha resuelto mágicamente nada,

y que milagrosamente, de a poco, con poco y nada

ha mejorado lo peor de mí.

Te amo,

te amo con un cuerpo que no piensa,

con un corazón que no razona,

con una cabeza que no coordina.

Te amo

incomprensiblemente,

sin preguntarme por qué te amo,

sin importarme por qué te amo,

sin cuestionarme por qué te amo.

Te amo

sencillamente porque te amo,

yo mismo no sé por qué te amo.

love poem #1

when the night falls soft and silent

when the world has gone to sleep

here I sit awaiting words

that you will gently speak to me

speak to me of depth and beauty

of love and trust and human hearts

how we turn so very quickly

how we swiftly fall apart

speak to me of restoration

of the work your hands can do

of the sweetness of salvation

of the rest I find in you

tell me how you formed the mountains

how you put the stars in place

how you breathe your life and meaning

into this lonely human race

here I sit in awe and wonder

hanging on your every word

with each beat my heart grows fonder

my only wish – to love you more

wait.

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him..." - Psalm 37:7

"Lord, I wait for you; You will answer, Lord my God." - Psalm 38:15

In the midst of confusing circumstances, this is our best possible response. To be still and wait. So often we lose heart and find ourselves despairing. Or we become impatient and we try to fix things in our own way. Instead we must quiet our hearts and minds, and wait. The answers will come in His time, but we will not see them if we are frantically searching for man-made solutions.

Help us to be still and wait. We need you now more than ever.

fix you.

when you try your best but you don't succeed

when you get what you want but not what you need

when you feel so tired but you can't sleep

stuck in reverse

when the tears come streaming down your face

when you lose something you can't replace

when you love someone but it goes to waste

could it be worse

lights will guide you home

and ignite your bones

and i will try....to fix you

high up above or down below

when you're too in love to let it go

but if you never try, you'll never know

just what you're worth

lights will guide you home

and ignite your bones

and i will try...to fix you

sometimes life is so beautiful and i find myself so filled with joy i feel as if i will absolutely burst. today is one of those times.

i am so blessed in a million billion ways. mostly in the form of the lovely people i have been fortunate to know and love and have love me back. tonight just thinking about them brings a smile to my face.

that's all i have to say.

the dandelion song.

the other day I picked a dandelion

and on it wished you’d speak to me

and honestly, we both know I’d be lying

if I said things were how they used to be

sometimes things change, and honey, people too

although I fear I never was

the person you imagined that you knew

but it’s okay, it’s okay because

oh time and time and time will tell

how this crazy story ends

i wish, I wish, I wish, I wish you well

and oh, how I wish we were still friends

i’m not sure how many apologies

you needed to decide I cared

but I refuse to get down on my knees

while you disinterestingly stare

i said my piece and now I must be going

along my merry little way

the distance between us just keeps on growing

maybe our paths will meet again some day

oh time and time and time will tell

how this crazy story ends

i wish, I wish, I wish, I wish you well

and oh, how I wish we were still friends