I left my home in Madison, Mississippi, on August 23 hoping for an adventure in faith. My friend Callie and I had very few plans or ideas about what we would do when we got to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, other than that we wanted God to use us, to show us something. I had begun to dream this summer of a different life, a life of reckless abandon for the Lord, of sacrifice and community and selflessness and love. Reading about the Simple Way confirmed that in me, and I wanted to meet these people who were already living the kind of lives I'd only imagined.
I wanted God to teach me. Boy, has he.
I've always heard about people who just do whatever they want to do, then ask God to bless it. How ridiculous that is, because the Lord blesses obedience to Him. I suppose I've been one of those people before, but over the past week and a half, it has been painfully obvious that I am now. Going into this, I barely prayed. And when I did pray I didn't receive peace from the Lord because this trip was not His idea...it was mine. Instead of being sensitive to the Spirit, I ignored these feelings, explained them away.
If nothing else, I have been so incredibly humbled by this experience. Proverbs 16:9 says, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps," and in Proverbs 19:21, "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Almost from the very start, I was frustrated because everything seemed to be going wrong. Callie's car broke down on the way to the airport, our flight to Philly was delayed 6 hours, we had nowhere to stay when we arrived so we ended up in New Jersey. I convinced myself that this was Satan trying to prevent us from serving the Lord, but in reality and retrospect, I can't help but believe it was the Lord trying to allow me to serve Him where I have truly been called.
It's very hard to admit that, quite a bit of money and distance and time later, much of all that has been wasted. That I have been a bad steward of the opportunities and resources God has given me. But God's purpose prevails. His Word tells me that. So it doesn't matter what I do, His purpose will prevail. In the several interactions I've had since I've been here that were certainly sent by the Lord, in the sharing of the word and the love of Christ, His purpose prevails. And by getting here and realizing how foolish I've been, by being stripped of my pride and my feelings of independence to see that He is all I need and that I am nothing without Him - His purpose prevails in my life.
I'm so glad that God is who He is. That even when I fail Him, when I do what I want, when I don't listen to His voice, when I turn away from what He has for me, He still loves. He is a patient and loving Father. He isn't resting condemnation on me, He's saying - "Okay, child, I forgive you. Now what did you learn? How can you grow?"
God, I praise you. I mourn the fact that I did not listen to you but thank you for your mercy - for using even THIS for your glory! You are good, Jesus! I bless your holy name! I want to hear you speak and I will be still and wait for you. God, be the center, be the focus of my heart.
He is jealous for me. Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy. When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory. I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me. Oh, how he loves us so, oh how he loves us, how he loves us so...We are his portion and he is our prize, drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes. If grace is an ocean we're all sinking. So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart beats violently inside of my chest, I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way he loves us, oh how he loves us....
No comments:
Post a Comment