my heart...

...is heavy. Frustration is seeping in already now that I'm back at school.

First of all, there are so many people I don't know here now. It feels strange. But I'm okay with that. Glad actually. I don't want to be involved. I'm not interested in most social things anymore. I'm pretty much done with all of that, I think.

But other people aren't. And so that means that as I try to have real relationships with people instead of running all over the place being busy, they are doing just the opposite. This is difficult for me. Mostly because those things don't mean anything to me.

I've also begun to realize just how fake most people are. It's ridiculous. I've gotten to where I can see through most of that. I want to shake people out of it. Just force them to be real. But of course, I can't...and maybe it's stupid to even try to challenge people to be genuine. So far it's not going well, at least. Not well at all. It breaks my heart.

I don't really know what else to say. I can't really stand to be around people very much right now. I sit in my room and think, and wish that someone would spend time being real with me. Share some quality, genuine time.

How disappointing.

anticipation and fear

I'm ready to move back in. This school year is going to be big, I can feel it. And I can hardly wait.

I sense that as much as things changed this summer, they are about to change even more. I also sense that some of these changes are going to be difficult to swallow. I'm not sure yet what this will look like, but I guess I'll know when it happens.

Has God ever asked you to speak truth, and you knew that if you spoke it, it would cause a lot of trouble? I'm there. And it's a little scary. If I say these things that I know to be true, that I know need to be heard by these people I love so much....they could not only disagree, but they might hate me for it.

I can identify with Jeremiah here:

O Lord, you deceived me, and I was deceived; you overpowered me and prevailed. I am ridiculed all day long; everyone mocks me. Whenever I speak, I cry out proclaiming violence and destruction. So the word of the Lord has brought me insult and reproach all day long. But if I say, "I will not mention him or speak any more in his name," his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot. - Jeremiah 20:7-9

I can't keep it in. And I know that I won't. And that is what's so terrifying. Just thinking about it makes me feel nauseous. God, help me.

stop.

I couldn't sleep last night. This has become pretty typical of the last two weeks, being sick and all. And yesterday was quite a day. Ya know? I couldn't have slept anyway. I was replaying things I'd said and done and feeling pretty bad about myself.

I pulled out the Word. Always a source of peace and truth, two things I need constantly. I started reading, and God revealed to me my sin. I got frustrated, and I started praying.

God I just want to STOP these things. Put them to an end. Put them to death. I hate them. I don't want them in my life, I never want to do them again.

Then the word stop was rolling around in my head. Just stop. Just stop. Stop thinking that way, stop saying those things, just stop.

I got inspired. Here's what resulted:



I always knew I would use that stop sign for something.

It's funny...the first thing I ever really painted is...words.

So this is going somewhere where I will see it every day. As a reminder to put to death the sinful nature and let Christ live in me....

somedays...

...aren't yours at all they come and go like they're someone else's days they come and leave you behind someone else's face and it's harsher than yours colder than yours...they come in a quiet sweep up and then they leave and you don't hear a single floorboard creak they're so much stronger than the friends you try to keep by your side...


I'm not here...not anymore. I've gone away don't call me don't write. I've gone away don't call me don't write. Don't call me don't call me don't call me don't write....

i'm desperate for you.

I need to get a few things off my chest.

I want to be part of something real. Something alive, that lives and moves and has its being in Christ alone. She loves, she gives, she hurts, she struggles, she weeps, she laughs, she dances, she falls and she rises again and again. She questions, she challenges, she longs for more. She is not content to go with the flow and drink her caramel macchiatos and watch Sex and the City and wear Polo and let life wash over her and change her until she no longer thinks but only consumes like so many others. No. She dreams, she has a vision. A vision of what it would look like if God would answer her cry for his kingdom to come on earth as it is in heaven.

I'm tired of fake. I'm tired of shallow, meaningless, fleeting, chasing after the wind. I'm tired of wasting time, finances, intellect, words, enthusiasm....on things that have zero eternal significance. I'm sick and tired. Just sick and tired enough to give it up. To start taking God at His word.

Take God at His word. "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly" (Colossians 3). God's word dwells, it is alive. "For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart" (Hebrews 4).

God's word is deep....it goes to the very depths of who I am. In a world of skin-deep and superficial, aren't we all desperate for that? I long for that. It judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. I need that. In a world full of opinions, with my human heart in the condition it is ("deceitful above all things"), God's word is soul-shaking truth that divides soul and spirit, demands change. He loves me. Way too much to leave me the way I am.

Something deep, real, and alive. Just what I've been searching for. And it's sitting on my bedside table. It's settling down on my heart.

I know You're alive, You came to fix my broken life. And I sing to glorify Your holy name, Jesus Christ. Fire, fall down, Fire, fall down, on us we pray...Show me Your heart, show me Your way, show me Your glory!!

when donkeys fly!!

I don't like taking medicine. It's not natural. I can feel the codeine kicking in but I'm fighting it. The coughing has diminished and I'm delirious. We have a snake living under our porch, a rather large one at that. My mother wants to chop its head off with a hoe. I say let the poor thing live. It's not hurting anyone (yet, my mother says). I like all God's animals except spiders and cockroaches (which I'm okay with so long as they don't crawl near me), so if they kill it, I hope they don't tell me about it. I cried when I hit a raccoon with my car. I should join PETA. Except I like Chick-fil-a...this presents a problem....

I want to move in next Monday. Fingers crossed. If so I'll have several days of solitude in my nice, big room of West 204. Oh, the joy. Please, Cam, have mercy. Find my reasons adequate for your approval.

So, I'm going to be a teacher. I hope they like me, all those kids. I hope I'm their favorite teacher. I'm going to sit up at night, thinking about ways to inspire them to love learning, praying for their futures. I can't wait. It'll be like having 30 children all at once. Only I won't have to worry about feeding and clothing them. Well...

Maybe I'll end up teaching at Davis Elementary, right across the street from the Lancasters/my future house. That would be perfection. Work, home, church - all on the same street. Love all around. Beautiful.

I miss the Simple Way. And Pastor Joe. And church being real, people getting EXCITED about Jesus. (Speaking of, I have a few words coming in the very near future concerning the question that has been burning on my mind as of late: why in the world are people NOT excited about Jesus? Helloooo...what are we doing in church? Are we sleeping?) If ever I move away from Jackson, and it's not to Greece, you can bet your bottom dollar it will be to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Cornerstone Community Church here I come!

God's not dead - NO! He is alive! God's not dead - NO! He is alive! God's not dead - NO! He is alive! I can feel Him in my hands, I can feel Him in my feet, I can feel Him in my heart, I can feel Him in my soul - GOD IS ALIVE!!!

set free.

I wish I could put into words just what this summer has done to me. It's irreparable. I'll never be the same again.

Praise the Lord.

On May 16, 2008, I realized my life was at that point completely run by fear. Fear of what could be, what would be, of becoming something, of not becoming something, of having or not having, of being alone, of being unhappy, of being like others, of being unlike others. Fear was reigning, ruling, governing. Thoughts, decisions, actions, responses. Fear.

I've been set free.

Who I was at the very core has been ripped out, transformed. And in two short weeks I return to a campus full of people, most of whom have no idea. I hope it will be obvious that I am not the same. But just to make things clear - I want to stand in the middle of the quad and yell it, I want to climb on the tables in the caf and shout it: "Attention everyone! Jesus changed my life this summer! He is real and He's moving and He wants to come in and completely rock your world!! Are you ready? He is!"

Maybe that's not such a crazy idea. I'm not sure. My definition of "crazy" has changed as of late.

I refuse to be suffocated by normalcy. I refuse to be frozen by fear. I refuse to be boxed in by the expectations of others.

I've been set free.

Romans 8:15 - "For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.'"

Yeah.

Live it.

a journey of humility

I left my home in Madison, Mississippi, on August 23 hoping for an adventure in faith. My friend Callie and I had very few plans or ideas about what we would do when we got to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, other than that we wanted God to use us, to show us something. I had begun to dream this summer of a different life, a life of reckless abandon for the Lord, of sacrifice and community and selflessness and love. Reading about the Simple Way confirmed that in me, and I wanted to meet these people who were already living the kind of lives I'd only imagined.

I wanted God to teach me. Boy, has he.

I've always heard about people who just do whatever they want to do, then ask God to bless it. How ridiculous that is, because the Lord blesses obedience to Him. I suppose I've been one of those people before, but over the past week and a half, it has been painfully obvious that I am now. Going into this, I barely prayed. And when I did pray I didn't receive peace from the Lord because this trip was not His idea...it was mine. Instead of being sensitive to the Spirit, I ignored these feelings, explained them away.

If nothing else, I have been so incredibly humbled by this experience. Proverbs 16:9 says, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps," and in Proverbs 19:21, "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Almost from the very start, I was frustrated because everything seemed to be going wrong. Callie's car broke down on the way to the airport, our flight to Philly was delayed 6 hours, we had nowhere to stay when we arrived so we ended up in New Jersey. I convinced myself that this was Satan trying to prevent us from serving the Lord, but in reality and retrospect, I can't help but believe it was the Lord trying to allow me to serve Him where I have truly been called.

It's very hard to admit that, quite a bit of money and distance and time later, much of all that has been wasted. That I have been a bad steward of the opportunities and resources God has given me. But God's purpose prevails. His Word tells me that. So it doesn't matter what I do, His purpose will prevail. In the several interactions I've had since I've been here that were certainly sent by the Lord, in the sharing of the word and the love of Christ, His purpose prevails. And by getting here and realizing how foolish I've been, by being stripped of my pride and my feelings of independence to see that He is all I need and that I am nothing without Him - His purpose prevails in my life.

I'm so glad that God is who He is. That even when I fail Him, when I do what I want, when I don't listen to His voice, when I turn away from what He has for me, He still loves. He is a patient and loving Father. He isn't resting condemnation on me, He's saying - "Okay, child, I forgive you. Now what did you learn? How can you grow?"

God, I praise you. I mourn the fact that I did not listen to you but thank you for your mercy - for using even THIS for your glory! You are good, Jesus! I bless your holy name! I want to hear you speak and I will be still and wait for you. God, be the center, be the focus of my heart.

He is jealous for me. Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy. When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory. I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me. Oh, how he loves us so, oh how he loves us, how he loves us so...We are his portion and he is our prize, drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes. If grace is an ocean we're all sinking. So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart beats violently inside of my chest, I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way he loves us, oh how he loves us....