writer's block

Blank page, blank slate.

Try to tell myself that

empty can be good if you let it

Fill

with something real.

Not mere

vowels and consonants

hung together by accentuation and punctuation

and pause

Forming complete thoughts

which are

completely and utterly separate

from who you are.

No.

I will delve into this

void until I uncover

meaning.

'Til from the darkness

bursts glorious

light, gleaming.

Oh, black hole you

will not swallow me whole.

You may take my body but you

can never have my soul.

on earth as it is in heaven.

Here I sit on my cot, in a little house made of plywood and screens, listening to the Madames sing praise songs in the room adjacent to mine. The only light I now have is the light of this computer screen. Tonight is my fifth night at OLTCH, and I love it here. I have fallen in love with the kids, especially the little boys, who constantly hunt me down to inform me it's time for me to read to them, and who line up at night for kisses and hugs. Oh, they are so precious. It makes me shudder to think of where they were before they came here. It makes me shudder to think of all the kids out there who still live such nightmares everyday.

Today we went to eat in town with three other ladies, one of whom works in the area, the two other ladies her visitors. She shared with us how she'd gone to the Haitian police to report the director of an orphanage in town who was raping the children there, and how enraged she'd been when they did nothing. My heart sunk, and I felt naseous - and still do, writing about it. That someone who was entrusted these precious lives was abusing his power in such a sick way, while those who were capable of putting an end to it stood by apathetically. What do you do in the face of such darkness and injustice? The mere thought of it makes me feel so completely helpless. The only thing I know is...pray.

Let your kingdom come, let your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

Oh, Jesus, you are the only one who brings restoration to all the brokenness. Let your kingdom come! We need you now, Jesus. Haiti needs you now.

You have given me a vision, and I find myself having to fight to protect it - already. I want to say that I resolve not to let anything stand between me and the vision you've laid on my heart...but oh, I cannot even say this with certainty. I know myself, and I know better than anyone my own fickleness, my own pride, my own shortcomings. But now I see something different happening in me that I can't explain. There's a passion driving me that cannot be contained.

I will fight to protect this vision you've given...and I will do whatever it takes to see it through.

because of who you are.

Have you ever been in a situation that caused you to take a step back and evaluate the relationships in your life? Maybe you realized that the people you thought were your true friends only hung around when it was beneficial for them...or that a person you love and would do anything for, only loves you because of just that - you'd do anything for him or her? Or maybe you've experienced exactly the opposite, and have come to realize that your motives in a relationship are completely selfish and your love for that person superficial.

Today I was mulling over this. This is a huge fear I have: the fear that the people I am closest to love me, not for who I am, but for what I do for them. What a painful experience to find this true of someone that you deeply love - to the core, unconditional, cross-sea-and-land, I-would-take-a-bullet-for-you love.

And, oh, what pain we cause our Father, when we focus on the gifts instead of the gift Giver. When we love the creation more than the Creator. When we love Him, not for who He is, but for what He does for us.

God, you are so lovely, and so deserving of all my love - simply because of who you are.

He moves...and we follow.

My trip to Haiti was, in one word, incredible. The group from Ole Miss was wonderful, and I loved getting to know them. During the week, I had the opportunity to spend valuable time in Anse-e-Pitre building relationships with the kids and their families, learning a tad more of Creole, and receiving clarity about my next steps there.

I met with the Haitian pastors to talk about the needs in their village. They shared with me that there were many children who were unable to pay to go to school. The church was running a school for a time, but due to lack of funding could no longer pay the teachers, so they had to temporarily shut it down. Our dream: to reopen the school in September, and to find sponsors for each of these precious kids so that they can attend. Sponsorship will cover the child's tuition (to pay the teachers), school uniform, books, and all supplies, as well as one meal per school day.

I never imagined any of this. But He moves, and we follow gladly, content to do whatever it takes just to be with Him.

The vision I had about starting a non-profit to do long-term work in Haiti has now become absolutely necessary, in order to receive funds to channel towards this project. I have no idea how all of this is supposed to work, honestly - but I do know that God has provided everything up until now, and I am confident He will continue to do so. Praying for His wisdom and direction, and dreaming big dreams for the future of these children in Anse-e-Pitre....

miraculous provision.

God is so good, I can't even describe it.

I bet sometimes He watches me and chuckles, as I scurry around trying to sell everything I own, take on a million babysitting jobs, and sell my plasma (yeah...they won't take it anymore...cause I've been to Haiti. So there you go.)

He was smiling all along. Because He knew that He was about to provide immeasurably more than all I could've asked or imagined.

This trip is completely paid for. So are all my expenses for January-March when I go. Every last penny. Pretty incredible, right? God just did that all on His own. My efforts always fall short, and His work is always so much more beautiful than mine. Thank you, Jesus, that with You there is always enough.

Confirmation. I took a step of faith and bought my plane ticket, not knowing where the rest of the money would come from. And He sent it all, and then some.

Guess what guys?? I'm going to Haiti!!!! (maybe for forever!!)

saying yes.

Six more days 'til I am in Haiti again. My heart is so full of joy, I cannot even explain it. I can't wait to see their little faces, and give them the things I brought, and sing the only song I know in Creole over and over, and hug and hold and kiss every last one of them. And to think the love I have for the children of Anse-e-Pitre is only a tiny fraction of the love my Savior has for me...what a wonderful God we serve!

Sometimes I wonder how He can ever use me. He knows the deepest, darkest parts of my heart better than I do. He sees all of me. Yet He still allows me to be part of His work - it blows my mind! I just finished reading a book called Kisses From Katie. This girl's story is amazing and her entire adventure happened because she said yes. She said yes to God's plan, she said yes to living in a hard country, she said yes to loving every person she comes in contact with. She simply said yes, and God is using her.

I want to say yes to every single thing He asks of me.

P.S. - Read Katie's blog and check out Amazima Ministries online! You will be encouraged and challenged!