i am hard pressed on every side

but not crushed. perplexed, but not in despair. persecuted, but not abandoned. struck down, but not destroyed.

although...i do feel in despair. suddenly it seized me tonight. i feel alone.

i just truly don't have a lot of real friends.

i knew this already. so why is it bothering me so?

pretty soon i'll be needing false teeth

technology gets on my nerves sometimes. i must be a bit of a hypocrite because obviously i'm sitting at a computer typing this.

orgsync just boils my blood. what happened to the good ole days where we could take attendance in person, on a piece of paper? what is so wrong with that? but nooooo, we have to make things more complicated. the thing is though, it's not THAT complicated, people. i do NOT believe that any freshmen have less free time than i do, that they truly do not have five minutes where they can get on their computer, or someone's, and simply register. i just know that they're all gonna act like it's my fault when they don't get chapel credit. but hey, i sent like 3 emails with directions, not to mention reminding them in group and through text. i do NOT feel sorry for them. simply irritated. i mean, this is beyond ridiculous at this point.

whew. i'm okay now. just needed to get that off my chest.

anyways....

i feel old. saturday night i studied, and did laundry, and for fun laura and i painted. we're really getting wild and crazy with the college life here. yeah.

the thing is, it doesn't bother me. at all. i see people going out and doing stuff, and i think - wow, hope they have fun. i think i'd like to have a nice cup of tea and listen to chopin and read and relax. wherever they're going would probably wear me out. i'm glad we have this nice comfy couch......

maybe it's just what being one step closer to adulthood looks like.

now THAT might bother me. it might just terrify me. yes.

people...

oh, people. how i love you. how i long for you. how you frustrate me. you know the truth - walk in it. you have been freed - don't be yoked again by the chains of slavery! you have tasted and seen - how could you possibly go back?

sometimes you don't understand the ways i love you. since i love you, i can't watch you living this way. it hurts me. i want what's best for you. sometimes i have to make things difficult, i have to speak the truth (in love) over you, even when it's not what you want to hear. and despite the fact that this causes you to avoid me, to hate me, to become angry with me, to speak out against me - i do it anyway. because i'm not afraid of losing you. there is no fear in love. and i love you.

this love is patient. it bears all things. but it doesn't mind being overwhelming sometimes.

so maybe

he's right. heck if i know. and i'm not sure whether i hope so, or hope not. ah, the confusion! life is complicated. i wish i could just cut out the part of my brain that is concerned with romantic relationships altogether. temporarily at least. then i could have some peace.

i'm sorry but it's getting to be that "time," according to narrow-minded people at mississippi college. i'm a junior, hopefully fairly near to graduation. and then what? of course i want to be a mom one of these days, and i wouldn't mind it being sooner rather than later. i love kids, i want to adopt quite a few into a family. my family. which so far is incredibly non-existent....

this sounds silly. i'm being ridiculous here. God doesn't work on any kind of human time frame or schedule. i want to eliminate that sort of thinking. i want to trust Him and believe wholeheartedly in His will, in His divine workings, His perfect plan.

and to the outsider looking in, i am patiently waiting.

but as i explained to him earlier....it only appears that way because i haven't had opportunity come a-knockin' yet. and i'm scared of what might have happened if it had. or what might happen if it does. i'm afraid that i'll be so ready for something, anything, that that's exactly what i might settle for. i'm so afraid.

i've also recently realized that in the past, i've been attracted to guys that i can fix. ones that i see some flaw in, something that i can improve upon. basically, a guy i think needs me for some reason or another. now if that's not dysfunctional i'm not sure what is. normal people are out looking for mr perfect, and here i am, apparently on this quest for mr needs-some-work. the question is: why is that? wow. i couldn't tell you. i just know it's true.

where am i right now? so scared of myself that i could never make any kind of relationship work. i think i push people away. subtly. in ways that most people don't understand. in ways i don't even understand. i push them away while seemingly trying to draw them closer. it's toxic.

i think i've said too much. it's time for bed. but thanks alot, you, cause now my wheels are turning. and i don't like what's stirring up here.

God, help me. really. just help me. a lot. i need you so much.

"raise me up from this grave, touch my tongue and then i'll sing, heal my limbs and joyfully i'll run to You...i'm alive and i'll sing..................."

in your anger...

...do not sin.

truth spoken over my life by someone who hardly knows me. met her at lunch today. i feel like she's already gotten to the heart of the matter....which blew me away. i'm positive she's real. how refreshing.

so i can't walk away from this. i'm beginning to see that this is what God wants from me. it's just never been this hard before. i don't want to be the one for this job, God. why, Lord? it's painful. i'm tired of hurting.

amy would say that Jesus hurts every day. weeps every day. has a broken heart every day.

and if i'm getting to know His heart, then i should be hurting, weeping, and brokenhearted also.

it's often easy to focus so much on the joy that comes from walking with the Lord that i convince myself that's all there is. whenever i get to that point, though, i'm not really walking with my Jesus. this faith He requires of me is heart-wrenching, knee-buckling, stomach-turning, consuming my whole life.

God answered some major prayers today. i am so amazed. PRAISE HIS HOLY NAME!

keep working, Jesus, for your glory and no one else's. Jesus just move, Holy Spirit blow and ignite the fire and consume all that isn't You and leave us all burning, God, burning for You. make it impossible to live without You. God i want to pant for you like a deer pants for water. Jesus you are amazing. i stand in awe of You more every day. You blow me away. oh, Jesus, no words could express....i'm overcome....

only pretty sure.

I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore.
Before you take a swing, I wonder - what are we fighting for?
When I say out loud I wanna get out of this
I wonder is there anything I'm gonna miss....
I wonder - How's it gonna be when you don't know me?
How's it gonna be when you're sure I'm not there
How's it gonna be when there's no one to talk to
between you and me - cause I don't care
how's it gonna be?

my heart...

...is heavy. Frustration is seeping in already now that I'm back at school.

First of all, there are so many people I don't know here now. It feels strange. But I'm okay with that. Glad actually. I don't want to be involved. I'm not interested in most social things anymore. I'm pretty much done with all of that, I think.

But other people aren't. And so that means that as I try to have real relationships with people instead of running all over the place being busy, they are doing just the opposite. This is difficult for me. Mostly because those things don't mean anything to me.

I've also begun to realize just how fake most people are. It's ridiculous. I've gotten to where I can see through most of that. I want to shake people out of it. Just force them to be real. But of course, I can't...and maybe it's stupid to even try to challenge people to be genuine. So far it's not going well, at least. Not well at all. It breaks my heart.

I don't really know what else to say. I can't really stand to be around people very much right now. I sit in my room and think, and wish that someone would spend time being real with me. Share some quality, genuine time.

How disappointing.