questions with no answers.

i love kids. they say the most hilarious things. last night at Bible club the kids were going to act out the story of Jesus walking on water, and two of the boys were fighting over who would be Jesus. at one point in the argument, xay exclaimed, "no, I'M Jesus, ya big dummy!!" oh my....so great. i love it.

a bunch of other stuff happened yesterday, but it's all big blur in my mind.

i think i have come to something that every Christian must face, a place of challenging what one believes and trying to make sense of all of it. i realized last week that i have never for a minute been outside the church, and yes, Christianity makes sense to me, but it's what i've always known. i don't have a deep understanding of many things about my faith, and i don't have answers to questions that someone outside the faith who is genuinely seeking might ask. this makes me a little angry, that i am 22 and just now deciding this is important. i find myself frustrated with the fact that i don't know, that i can't answer everything. last night ledge encouraged me to not be so upset with not knowing, that questions are good, but answers take time. i know he's right.

it's hard to continue serving right now. i feel my feeble faith has nothing to offer those around me....but i am in a position to lead, so i must lead. the emotions that accompany this are worse than the questions themselves. i feel angry, like i said, and also guilty, because i want to love God but right now i don't feel i even know Him.

this is far from over. i'm too far in to get out now.