so little time, so much to do

i have a million and one things to do. and i feel like there are a million and one people i want to spend time with. because i have to finish this semester well, i pretty much have to do the things instead of be with the people. i hate that.

i greatly anticipate december 15th. this will all be over so soon, i just keep telling myself. push on through. you can do it. 10 more days.

time to crank out a dozen or so pages worth of papers....get excited....

africa was worth it. it was more than worth it.

listening is an act of love.

one that i've been learning a lot about. it all started when i became friends with la. that girl is the best listener i've ever met in my life. when i talk to her i experience a different kind of listening altogether. she's not afraid of silence. i used to be one of those people who would always respond right away because the silence made me so uncomfortable...but she has broken me of that. also, la asks questions about the things i've told her to get to the very root of the issue. it's such a beautiful thing, and i've been asking the Lord to show me how to listen like that.

lately i've had lots of opportunities to practice. one thing i've been praying about as i listen is that God will give me the words He wants me to say to people. many times i know what i feel they want to hear, and i know what i would like to say. but what i want to say and what God wants to say are usually different....maybe i should pray instead for God to keep transforming my mind, to give me the mind of Christ. then His words will simply flow from me...

i know this has nothing to do with africa....but it's what i was thinking about as i awoke this morning. actually though, it's all connected...love is the common denominator. love is the theme of all God has been teaching me. love.

today, God, show me who to love and how to love them. i promise i will stop for the one. fill me, and i will gladly pour out. i love because you first loved me.

how was your trip?

this is a question i cannot seem to answer well yet. it's so much...i learned so much, saw so much, experienced so much, felt so much. it was everything i hoped for and more, and nothing like what i expected. i'm trying really hard to come up with something better than that.

if i had to sum it up in one word, it would be more. God gave me so much more of Himself...and revealed to me how much more He wants of me.

i will elaborate soon.

in less than ten hours

i leave for africa. wow. it's still not real to me yet. 

what are my expectations of this trip, he asks? i simply expect something amazing to happen. nothing specific....just the Lord, in whatever way He wants to show up. 

my heart is so overwhelmed at what is happening in my life. so many beautifully unexpected things. i wish it didn't take me forever to process it all. 

tameka had her baby....a five pound, perfectly healthy, beautiful baby boy with absolutely no trace of drugs in his system. a miracle. a real miracle. i held a miracle. i almost lost it in that hospital room. the depth of God's love and grace and the reality of who He is and the sheer joy of it all....i almost couldn't breathe. 

can i just stay like this? unable to breathe because of who He is? overtaken by the thought of Him....can i just stay like this? 

i said to him

Lord help me.

and he did. wow. God WROTE that paper for me. he revealed things to me as my fingers flew across the keyboard that i've never even thought about before. my life does have direction. how beautiful. thank you for the guidance and confirmation, God.

he's just so good. i can't believe he would do for me all that he has done! i am overwhelmed at the thought of it. who am i that God would not only redeem me and call me by name and make me his, but also orchestrate this elaborate plan for my life, in which every puzzle piece fits perfectly with all the others to make something glorious for his kingdom??? that to me is too much. i can't take it in.

you're amazing God. that's all i know to say.

i have to write this paper

about my ultimate goals in life. where i see myself in five years. what i want my career to be.

this is cruel. take the one thing i'm most unsure about, and make me write five pages on it? really?

well i'm about to search my soul....and hopefully crank out some awesome-sounding plans for my life. ideally before eleven o'clock.

Lord, help me.

i love him because

he never disappoints me. ever.

somedays i'm brimming with things to say and have not the time to sit and type them all. i love and hate this. there are a million billion trillion things i'd like to write, and i cannot choose. so instead i will use the words of someone i really admire to express where i am right now...


the pathway is broken, and the signs are unclear
and i don't know the reason why you brought me here
but just because you love me the way that you do
i will walk through the valley if you want me to
i'm not who i was when i took the first step
and i'm clinging to the promise that you're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
i will walk through the fire if you want me to
it may not be the way i would have chosen
when you lead me through a world that's not my home
but you never said it would be easy
you only said i'd never go alone
so when the whole world turns against me and i'm all by myself
and i can't hear you answer my cries for help
i'll remember the suffering your love put you through
and i will walk through the darkness if you want me to
cause when i cross over jordan, i'm gonna sing, i'm gonna shout
i'm gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down
so take me on the pathway that leads me home to you
and i will walk through the valley if you want me to
yes, i will walk through the valley if you want me to