Sometimes even in our desire to serve and follow God, we lose sight of Him.
The first time I went to Haiti, I felt something stirring in my heart. Something was different about this place, about these people. As I returned to Haiti, each trip provided further confirmation that God was calling me to serve Him there.
So I started making plans. I thought that I knew how it would best work out. I would start this organization, build a school, and, according to me, already be living there beginning last month. I heard one word from God, and without waiting to listen for more, I took off running. If you know me, this is not shocking.
And then doors started closing in my face and plans fell through. My heart sank as things didn't happen at the pace and in the manner I wanted. My last trip to Haiti was not at all what I'd expected it to be. But God is not the least bit surprised by the way things are unfolding.
Want to know some really difficult words to hear from the Lord? "You're not ready." In the last month, that may be the only solid thing I've heard God speak to me. And, well, it's pretty humbling.
I have been spending the last few months trying to reconcile two seemingly conflicting desires in my heart. One part of me longs to drop everything here and move to Haiti - NOW. The other part of me has been unable to forget about the time a year ago when I was taking classes in order to go to nursing school. Nursing school is a big financial commitment, regardless of where I choose to go. It is also a large chunk of time - 3 years - during which school will be my primary focus, and I won't be free to travel to Haiti whenever there's an opportunity. I thought that in choosing nursing school, I would be turning my back on serving in Haiti.
But I couldn't get nursing school out of my mind. My desire to understand injury and illness in order to know how to facilitate healing grew even more during the five months I worked in the office of a medical clinic in Jackson. So I took a step of faith and began looking at and applying to schools in Mississippi. And in the same way the doors closed for me to move to Haiti this summer, the doors began flinging wide open for nursing school.
This is where I find myself. Preparing to go to college (again) and really excited about it. Humbled by the realization that God has a lot of work to do on my heart before I can live and minister in Haiti. Ready to see Him use these next three years in ways that I can't even comprehend or imagine. And honestly desiring, for the first time in maybe my entire life, to allow Him to have control of things. I mean, really, truly have control.
So much of my struggle in all of this stems from a deep-rooted pride, a lifelong attempt to be self-sufficient. Yet I was not created to be independent, but to depend on my Savior in all things. I serve a God who constantly whispers to me, "Oh, dear one, remember this: my grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in your weakness." And I long to echo Paul in saying, "Yes, Lord! Therefore I will boast all the more about my weakness, because when I am weak, YOU are strong."
Oh, but I'm not there yet.
